This essay was written by one of my students that I have recently started mentoring.

Why I Should Obey Your Rules:

The obvious answer to why I should obey your rules is if for no other reason would be to avoid punishment.  Avoiding punishment seems to be the only motivation I seem to respond to.  I don’t like this about myself, but it is what it is.  I had been truly getting out of control.  It affects every area of my life.  After trying it several times with Alex and then us giving that up and I trying to do it on my own, even he could see the frustrations I was having.  But he didn’t know how to help me and it always seemed to cause more harm than good.

 

So for quite some time I have been trying to keep this all to myself from him and things just always seem to go from bad to worse.  I got to where I never told him anything I was doing wrong, whether it was at work or at home, etc. because it seemed to upset him.  I started thinking about Coach and how, eventually, I got better.  I actually started feeling pretty good about myself then because I knew having a mentor meant that I had a safety net.

 

Having that safety net (so to speak) means everything to me apparently.  It tells me that I cannot just go ahead and do whatever I feel like doing, no matter what it does to those around me, or even for my own health issues.  Not having that safety net makes me feel totally out of control and it shows.  I end up embarrassing myself and my husband.

 

It would not seem to matter to me that I embarrassed him because I would reason to myself that that is what he gets for not stepping in and helping when he knows how I feel about this and how I need it in my life.  I do not necessarily want it but need it.  I guess I do want it because of how better I feel about myself when I am doing good instead of bad.

 

So out of desperation and frustration that I could not handle anymore I decided to see if there was anyone out there that could help me, but was would have to be limited help because of my husband’s trust issues.  I found you.  Actually, I feel that God led me to you.  I have no idea how I found your site or even why I clicked around to where I found your message about needing mentoring in your life even if you’re single or in a marriage where the other partner is not interested in being involved with domestic discipline.  I could not believe it.  I had been looking for a few days and had not seen anything like that.

 

After the first couple of emails to you asking you questions and telling you my circumstances I realized there was hope.  I worried about how it could be done online only knowing the punishments would not totally scare me, but would probably be a lot of very annoying things to do.  I also worried that I would even follow through with them since there would be no way of you actually knowing that I would follow through with them.

 

I was afraid I would not follow through with the punishments or obey you eventually because that is how I tend to do with most things in my life.  I never see anything through.  But it was the only hope I had had so I vowed to myself I would be true.  But those negative thoughts still lurked and I tried to keep them pushed away.  Then when Alex became involved, much to my amazement he agreed, although reluctant and I could tell he didn’t like it, but I told him I was going to do it anyway because I was to the point I had no choice.  I still feel he only agreed to become “involved” so he could have access to our discussions and make sure there was no actual contact.

 

After you started with very minor and should be easy daily tasks getting me started I took to them right away.  After the first couple of days I could look around and see some results already.  Then Alex started noticing.  Much to MY surprise and amazement, he suddenly wanted to be more involved.  I think he secretly wanted to be able to “handle” me but is afraid and does not understand how all of this works.  I was never able to really tell him what he was supposed to do, and what little I did ask him to do it quickly was put away and not brought up anymore.  But since  he started seeing a little difference in me he wanted to know if you could make a difference with his own issues that he has with me.  I was floored.  So you received the email he had me type while he sat here telling me what to say.  (He does not type and he does not email).

 

I was surprised and a little hurt by what he wants you to help me with.  Hurt because then I knew he had these feelings inside but did not figure there would be anything that could be done about those things.  Whenever we have tried domestic discipline for those few times before, I realized he was afraid of making me mad at him.  I think he thought I might leave him if he stood on his own ground and I did not get my way.  But seeing that I was being held accountable now and was actually following through helped him to see this could actually work.

 

Then just as everything was looking up one of my not so small issues came back.  My self-control towards others (James especially) that makes me lose my composure and behave very badly.  I started worrying.  Out of your kindness and wanting to help me you spent all day Saturday mentoring me on messenger.  At the same time that was going on I was worrying Alex with it.  I think I did more damage to him by going on and on about it.  I could not seem to stop.  He told me to and so did you.  I finally stopped bringing it up.  Everything seemed better to Alex then and his daughter came over that evening to visit.  Alex cooked outside and I made the side vegetables.

 

After we ate, we sat down to visit.   She started telling us about her new job.  That led to me talking about mine.  Then the next thing I knew I was right back on the subject of James.  I was going on and on again about it and noticed Alex was staring at the TV but had a bad expression.  I realized yet again I had disappointed him.  That night after she left and we got ready for bed and even after we had gone to bed he was down.  He would not speak much and I knew what was wrong.

 

Had I really listened to you and him it would not have been like that.  You give me rules to go by for my own good.  The only reason you do is because you have experience with all of this and know what is best for me.  That is really the ultimate reason I should obey you.  You are not giving me rules or tasks for entertainment.  You give my issues thought and set out plans accordingly.  I should always obey because you are only trying to help me and hopefully our marriage as well.